Willem Dafoe.
That’s about it you guys. That’s literally the only thing I enjoyed out of the entire “Spider-Man: No Way Home” movie, so I’m not even sure why I’m still writing this review.
What else is there to say? Willem was great, everything else sucked, the end.
It is what it is.
I watched “Spider-Man: No Way Home” last night, to prep for the new Doctor Strange (in the Multiverse of Madness) movie releasing this week, and by the time I was done, I just KNEW folks weren’t going to want my review. But I mean … someone asked, so here it is.
“Spider-Man: No Way Home” Full Review
Where do I even begin?!
The new Spider-Man film is set in … whatever year it’s set in … just know that Peter, MJ, and Ned, are set to go to college and they’re all set on going to MIT. Of course there’s one big thing in their way … and that’s Peter’s “new” fame?
Apparently this is the universe I belong in, because everyone thinks Spider-Man sucks.
Which sucks for Peter, who just “wants to be a real boy”, aka no longer the famous web slinging superhero who hangs out with the Avengers occasionally, and fights crime as the friendly neighborhood hero should.
Not that I blame the kid!
I mean, it’s been a lot, the past few years. Kid deserves a break!
But did he really need to ask Strange to cast a hardcore spell, just so he could get a break?
Ehh … it’s giving white privilege, and Wanda’s gon’ off the ledge again (but in tiny teen boy body form) vibes!
Boy oh boy, what these wypipo will do just to have things their way!
But again … I get it, if I had a magical, powerful, sorcerer at my fingertips, I too would ask for a few crazy things! So who am I to judge??
However … I AM judging the oh so powerful magician who manages to botch one of his magic tricks, all because the little pesky spider kid kept asking daddy for more!
More, more, more!
Jeezus! When do you people say NO?! Again, the privilege! At no point did Strange think to say, “hey buddy, pick one, I can’t change this spell again”, and mean it?
Just keep bending to his will whenever he asks, eh? Now the whole world is a god damn mess because daddy couldn’t just say no. Cool!
But even if I did believe the big bad sorcerer could mess up such an important spell … due to a lack of (clearly needed) parenting skills, not having self control, and having no practice at all with using the greatest spell of all.
The word “no”.
The first act of this movie is quite boring.
Even when the fight scenes came, I wasn’t moved. I could care less for these villains, outside of the nostalgia, and faintly remembering them from my childhood.
The only one I really cared about, again, is Willem Dafoe, as the Green Goblin.
There’s just something about him as this character that I’ve ALWAYS loved.
Similar to the Joker. Again, it could just be the nostalgia for me, since I loved him as a kid.
Anywho … here’s a full list of things I didn’t care for in (and about) the “Spider-Man: No Way Home” movie.
- The cheeky music (and that ONE random Christmas son). I usually love cheeky music, but it just didn’t work for me in this film.
- The childish, relaxed, cheesy feel of the film. Almost as if this was never to be taken seriously. Which, if that was the case, congrats, you won!
- The lack of emotions I felt while watching this! Was I supposed to cry? Laugh? Feel? Anything at all? Hope not, because I didn’t feel much of anything.
- How long this film felt and actually was. Why was this shit 2 and a half hours long? WHAT FOR?! It dragged on and on, and almost felt as long as Little Women!
- All of the villains in one spot … just chilling calmly, like they could just use the break to regroup or rest. It was weird. Maybe I’m just used to seeing villains running amuck, scaring people, and doing the devil’s dirty work, that seeing them on a minor “vacation”, unmoved, and uninterested to escape, bothered the crap outta me? Who TF knows at this point!
- How predictable this film was.
- The basic ass convo the Spider-Group had, as if all was right in the world. Like that dialogue was just bore-central. YAWN!
- Max reminding me of Raising Dion’s lightening character, and Jamie failing to interest me as a superhuman, again, just like in Project Power.
- Remembering how long the powerful sorcerer took to learn to open a portal, to then see a kid, who’s rumored to have magic in his family, but no actual powers, open portals with ease?
- The amount of times I silently begged for this movie to end so I could go TF to sleep!
Look, the story just didn’t work for me.
I get that it was supposed to be this holiday, light-hearted, film about a superhuman kid who just wanted to go to college with his friends, instead of fight crime for the rest of his life, but it bored the hell outta me.
And like … how does a dead person shed a tear? How sway? WTF was THAT!?
“Spider-Man: No Way Home” basically reminded me that I really don’t give a damn about Spider-Man at all!
I try, but I don’t.
I’ve never been a fan of the “OG” superheroes. Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, all the men … they don’t interest me in the least bit!
The only Spider-Man I care about … is the Black one, ironically.
And not even because Miles Morales is Black. Okay technically he’s afro-latino.
But that’s not why, and it’s not because he’s from my hometown (Brooklyn) either.
I just relate to that story, and film, a whole lot more, than this one.
But just because I didn’t like this story, doesn’t mean it’s completely trash, ’cause it’s not.
I do kind of like how Peter Parker is in this rebellious teenage stage, where he doesn’t JUST listen to his elders.
Even if they are his heroes.
He now thinks for himself, and tries to do what HE thinks is right.
‘Cause at some point all of our kids grow up, and learn that they can no longer just follow us blindly. So that’s a cool sentiment.
Oh, and even though the Spider-Group chat got on my last nerves, I did like that little Spider had people he could actually talk too!
People who could REALLY understand what he was going through, empathize with him, and guide him, so he wouldn’t make the same mistakes they did.
I’ll always love a mentor storyline woven in.
I’m a sucker for struggling kids, getting the help they need, by people who care and understand.
But the thing is … I need to feel something more than once or twice, to really enjoy a film.
I need to be completely enraptured into a film! Suck me all the way into the story, and make me really feel, and believe it.
“Spider-Man: No Way Home” doesn’t do that.
Not for me at least.
The only true moment I really felt something, was while they were talking about death.
That, and when Peter lost control of his anger! THAT I felt. But that was it.
Still, the worst part of “Spider-Man: No Way Home” …
Was never feeling like anyone was in any real kind of danger!
I never believed for one second that someone was gonna get hurt. Which is insane, for a film, that had how many villains in it?
Absolutely, positively, in freaking sane!
Even when the MIT lady was screaming for help, I didn’t believe anything would actually happen to her. Spidey would swoop in and save the day, no matter what.
And I think that’s what hurt the most here.
“Spider-Man: No Way Home” was just a very low stakes, light-hearted, kid film, with no real pressing conflict. Outside of Green Goblin, there wasn’t much to love.
