Look … I’ve been tryna avoid writing this review of the new “Fantastic Beasts: Secrets of Dumbledore” movie for days now!
It pains me to think about how disappointed I am in this film. Hell, I saw it a few days ago in IMAX, and that still didn’t help!
There was one “cute” moment? Possibly two?
But unfortunately there wasn’t enough to make me actually LOVE this movie! Which sucks because I LOVED the first film!
Like … do you even need this review?
Or can I just forget this movie exists and tell y’all about the cute wands they gave us at the fan event I was invited to?
I still can’t believe they were just randomly giving out wands to muggles all willy nilly.
Look, we even got cute hats!
I really do look good in hats! 😍 But also … I should really write my @FantasticBeasts #SecretsOfDumbledore review cause … well … let’s just say that I saw it in @IMAX a few days ago and even that didn’t help. 😬🤦🏽♀️ And I loved the first film! So … I don’t know. 😩 pic.twitter.com/hIBoujYBMZ— Shaye is Khonshu’s newest Avatar (@shayewyllie) April 10, 2022
Okay, I’ll stop procrastinating. But I’m not gonna make this a big deal. I’m just gonna quickly type out my thoughts, possibly with my eyes closed, and that’ll be it.
So here it goes …
Oh and before I forget, I’ll also be sure to post the videos I took of the cast + director Q&A on Twitter and Instagram. I was actually excited to see David Yates cause his direction is always lovely! And we finally have some Black witches and wizards who showed up at the Q&A AND got to shine for more than 5 minutes in the film! So that was nice?
“Fantastic Beasts: Secrets Of Dumbledore” Review
Spoiler Alert – If you haven’t seen “Fantastic Beasts: Secrets Of Dumbledore” yet, this review will spoil things a bit. So if you loathe all kinds of spoilers bookmark this joint and wait until you’ve seen the episode.
Look, I’m Disappointed …
The first film felt magical, and then every film after that has fallen flat on its face.
Who the hell lied on Twitter and said this film was the best out of the three?
How DARE you give me false hope!
I took my kid on a SCHOOL night to see this shit, and within about 30 mins, possibly before that, I immediately regretted my decision to leave the house.
Don’t get me wrong, the event was lovely. We got some swag, my kid is excited she has her own poster to put on her wall, and we both got Albus Dumbledore wands … for free. But that’s where the excitement ends.
Even having a Black wizard and witch present for the Q&A and show up in and throughout this film wasn’t enough!
And THEY were the real reason I was excited to see this film.
But nothing they did felt truly specktacular!
I mean, every bit of this film was predictable! Right down to the ending!
Which upset me the most. No one ever truly believed sir was “on their side”. Why didn’t they make us BELIEVE it? F*ck, did Grindlewald even believe his ass? Or did he just accept the fake help because he was too busy trying to “run for president” to bother?
How was a movie about kid wizards and witches more badass than the film about the adults?
They spun Harry Potter 8 times around the sun and we ate it up each and every time! We still do! I still watch those movies in awe!
Yet Fantastic Beasts falls apart after one film?
The film does still mention the beasts, thankfully, but they’re mostly an after thought, despite this “franchise” being named after them.
They do fit into the storyline well though, and they’re the reason for everyone’s mishaps.
But we never actually learn anything about these beasts!
There’s a whole magizoologist running about with these jawns and he can’t never once scream their names so we know what they are?
At this point … Anime this b*xch up!
Show us some collectors cards, throw a pokeball, something! Cause I barely know any of these beasts by name, or what they do.
Even if they mentioned their names in the films, it wasn’t memorable.
Like we had a great opportunity to really learn more about the magical beasts of the Wizarding World, but instead they gave us politics? F*cking amazing mate!
But you know what’s even worse than the beasts being an after thought?
“Fantastic Beasts: Secrets Of Dumbledore” actually made me care LESS about Dumbledore and his secrets!
When we watched Harry Potter, Dumbledore was SO intriguing.
I always wanted to learn more about him.
And then when folks started hinting he was gay, that made me even more curious.
But somehow, someway, this film managed to suck all the joy right out of my soul!
Now that I finally know why Dumbledore couldn’t act against Grindlewald, I don’t even f*cking CARE!
Now that I know what happened to his sister, and who Credence’s real family is … I DON’T CARE! And that’s how I know real damage was done here.
I can’t tell you WHY I hated this film so much. Or why it bored me to death.
I honestly don’t have those answers.
All I know is it wasn’t worth losing sleep over. It wasn’t worth getting home after 12am on a work/school night!
They shoulda stopped at movie one.
And I shoulda stayed the f*ck home and watched this on my TV!
Like I recommend you all do.
“Fantastic Beasts: Secrets Of Dumbledore” is not a feel-good, spend the weekend with your feet kicked up, shouting at the screen, in a full movie theater, kind of movie. It’s actually quite a snooze fest.
But I do recommend everyone watch it, at home, so you can tell me YOUR thoughts. Because apart of me feels super crazy for hating this film so much.
Like, am I tripping? Please let me know!