Okay, look … I didn’t read the books, I admitted that in my first post about the Artemis Fowl movie a few months ago.
However, I just watched the movie with my daughter and WHAT THE F*CK?! Now if someone who hasn’t read the story has questions, you know you’re screwed. Cause when folks said they were mad at the trailer, I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t read the books. But even without prior knowledge of this story, I can tell something’s off!
So yeah, as soon as we finished the movie I grabbed my laptop so I could write this Artemis Fowl movie review, because wow am I blown away by how angry I am right now. So here’s my review …
Artemis Fowl Movie Review
Look, can we just throw this movie away and start over?
Like is it too late for that? Come on, seriously! How many people you think actually watched this shit on the day they dropped it? We have time! Lol
We can save the others if we hurry!
Quickly pull this one off of Disney Plus NOW and then we’ll work together to make a new Artemis Fowl movie. (Much like how we helped create the new Sonic movie. Lol Which we finally saw and was great by the way! I’ll finish editing my daughter’s review hopefully this weekend.)
I’m not saying the entire movie was bad because I’ll be honest we enjoyed it! (Unlike the new Scoob movie, where it felt like my family wasn’t really interested, they all loved this one.)
But there’s one BIG issue in this movie and I highly doubt that I’ll get over it.
Why does it feel like there’s a big ass hole in the Artemis Fowl movie?
Like the plot has this huge gaping hole in it, and I don’t care if they’re planning on releasing a sequel! There’s absolutely nothing that could happen in movie 2, that could fill the hole that was left in movie one!
So yeah, we enjoyed it, but I’m also sitting here like W T F?
Like that’s it? That’s how this ends? Are you f*cking serious?
Where’s the struggle?! The conflict!?
Here’s a breakdown of the movie: something important was stolen, some bad guy who wanted the shit for himself kidnapped a human to get it, the plan fails terribly cause apparently the little human is SO SMART, and then poof the human’s son saves the day! HOW!?
Like the movie got to the climax and then everyone just jumped off the diving board plunging straight into the ending.
But like … why wasn’t there a struggle between the protagonist and the villain?! Did they run out of time? Did someone write this script one night, and then just say f*ck it and ended it quickly so they could take a nap?
You know when you’re writing a research paper for school and you just get tired of bullshitting so you wrap that shit up as quickly as possible so you can take yo ass to bed? That’s what this felt like! Lol
Because if I’m being honest here, and of course TF I am, what am I lying for? Lol But in all seriousness, this movie is missing an entire scene!
There should have been an entire scene where they struggled! There was not one bit of struggle! Okay, so maybe Ms. Fairy got her wings caught in a chandelier and had to struggle to escape, but that was about it! Lol
How does a kid pull off an entire extraction mission without a struggle? Sure there was a bit of a fight, but that boy ain’t even have to use his brain to get out of any of them situations. He was just like yup, I wanted you to do that, I wanted you to do that too, thanks for helping me succeed, great, and now we’re done, hi dad! TF?
I’m so confused on how I enjoyed the movie and yet absolutely hate it all at the same time.
I can see why they put this shit on Disney Plus! But look, when we first got the news they were putting this on Disney Plus I SAID they were doing it because they knew it was gonna bomb in theaters!
Disney ain’t stupid! Why didn’t they put Mulan on Disney Plus?
Come on now! Lol They KNEW we were gonna hate it! Better to give it to us for free than have a ton of people screaming I want my money back!
And look, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t watch the movie, cause it’s already on Disney Plus so you might as well. It’s not terrible!
But don’t go in with high expectations.
Cause even with everyone screaming all over Twitter about how the trailer was trash, I was still hopeful. And look where that got my ass! Lol Also … I need you too watch it so you can enjoy it, be happy, and then have the anger and disappointment creep up on you slowly and strangle the hell outta you like it did me! Lol
I need you to FEEL my pain!
However, I did like the character design. Well … okay, so there’s also an issue with that as well.
*sigh* I know, I know, more bad news, I’m sorry. Lol (Well honestly, this is only bad news if you’re Black. Lol)
But I SWEATERGAWD them god damn Goblins looked like they were dressed for a hip hop dance battle or like they were gonna go strolling through the hood in the 90s.
Baggy clothes, gold chains, and everything! LIKE WHAT? Are these f*cking Goblins supposed to be Black? Gotta be f*cking kidding me!
You know there’s always a race element. And then to add fuel to the fire, the f*cking BLACK guy’s last name is BUTLER, and he IS their BUTLER, but don’t f*cking call him that though. Oh god, forbid white people actually call their servants, butlers right.
Be tryna call them everything but! Like oh no, that’s just my long time friend! Yet your friend takes care of your kid and helps around the house, right? Oh okay, cool!
But at least Josh Gad was a pleasant treat! And I loved the Hagrid vibe I got from his character! Josh was SUPER good in this!
And I loved seeing Nikesh Patel (who stars in Four Weddings and a Funeral) in this as well. Although, I feel like they ADDED extra makeup on his face to make him darker? Listen, maybe the man just got a tan or some shit.
Cause I really hope they didn’t try to make him darker!
Overall, the Artemis Fowl movie is just a huge disappointment, even if you haven’t read the books!
I honestly thought that I’d like it because I didn’t read the book, but yeahhhh, I still feel disappointed. There wasn’t even a soundtrack to lively this shit up a bit and at least have me dancing in my seat. It was just a score, and I absolutely hated that.
They really could have added a few catchy songs in this to really drive those emotions and have the kids dancing.
This script feels like it only scratched the surface of this story, and it needed another hour to really make this great. Cause that solution was way too easy!
I really needed something else to happen! I needed a bigger struggle. I needed a slow decline, into the resolution. I needed another plot twist!
And I needed the incredibly stupid villain aka Opal, to not be a dumbass! Like sir, how did the Fowls get your number? You mean to tell me you called this kid and didn’t block your number? Lol Come on now! That shit just made me even madder!
Like, now you got this little ass kid trash talking you and shit? All because you failed to block your number huh? But whatever! Do ya thang bad boy. Lol
Anywho, check out Artemis Fowl this weekend and let me know what you think! Cause boy was this just … wow! Maybe we shoulda just read the book instead? Lol If you haven’t yet, they’re bellow so you can order them!
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P.s – Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to hit the share button below so your friends can read this awesome post as well. Comments are always appreciated and responded to. So gon’ and tell me how you REALLY feel! Thanks in advance! Now click around and read something else. Lol There are lots of suggestions below!